Our Crimson Heartache
by Unfinished Perfection
Summary: Bella's life after Edward Leaves in NM. No evil Edward. Rated M For cutting, swearing & other content. Future Jazz/Bella. Reviews are fun, flames laughed at. Been done before but mine is better, hopefully. I'll update A.S.A.P. Suffering From Writers Block


Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the fictional characters mentioned in this story. This is strictly a non-profit fan fiction. All rights are reserved to Stephenie Meyer, the writer and creator of the Twilight series.

I was surprised. I shouldn't have been. No matter how many times _**He** _claimed to love me, I always knew. Always. There was _**always **_that niggling voice in the back of my head that told me exactly who I was and what I looked like. I wasn't good enough. I had nothing to hold _**him**_. And so he left. And I was surprised. Shocked even. But I shouldn't have been.  
I remember so many nights that I cried myself to sleep, thinking if he loved me then why did he leave me. Finally I realized. When he said he didn't want me to come, he was saying _**he didn't love me**_. It took me so long to see the truth and when I did I just shattered.

When he said "_**No**_" to me that day, I thought I had truly broken. Honestly, that was _**nothing **_in comparison to the pain I felt when I made that final realization. I didn't think there was anything left of my heart to break. Dear God, I was so wrong. So very, very wrong. That night I made the final realization I thought I would die. I certainly wanted to. The pain I felt was so far beyond excruciating. Jesus, my pain could send excruciating a post card from the other side of the emotional universe. That pain... Oh God, it couldn't even be called pain legally and get away with it. I honestly don't understand how I survived that night. Somehow, I owe it to my shiny blade. Yes, that night in my darkest hour, I turned to my blade for support and he soon became my best friend. I'll admit it. I cut myself. I was so broken- so lost – that I sat there drawing my gleaming silver razor blade up my arm, reveling in the feel of something, anything real. Loving the flood of crimson regret as it came, flowing so freely out of my veins. Finally, I was in control. Looking back, that's when I truly became myself.

After that night, I didn't see it, but I was different. In my soul, as a being, I was darker.

I know, you see it in films, books, TV all the time, depressed girl cuts herself, starts liking black, sits in a corner and cries, etc. etc.

That's not how it happened at all. I said each day-I swore it- that once the darkness ofnight came round I would not succumb. But somehow my oath meant nothing once I was trapped once again inside myself, and each morning I awoke I would have new slashes of grief to cover up. All I can say is, thank Christ for the Olympic Peninsula. Somehow, without my notice, black seemed to overcome my closet and I was left with one less thing to care about.

Despite my overwhelming grief, I somehow managed to get up in the morning. The cracks I let show once darkness fell disappeared once dawn broke. Somehow, I survived. For Charlie, I told myself, who would blame himself for the rest of his life, for the rest of his eternity. For Renee, who would totally **shatter **if I was gone. Somehow, each night as I dragged that blade so slowly over my varicose veins, I refused to allow myself to go deeper. The names of those I loved swirled around my head, and I just could not continue.

Slowly, as time passed, my façade got better. More believable. I trained myself to smile, even to laugh when it became necessary. To me, I was lifeless. But to them, I was getting over it. Getting over _**him**_. But I couldn't.

I could not get past the family I had once thought of as my own. I could not get past the Images I let live in my head when _**we **_were so deliriously happy. Marriage. Eternity. Happiness for always. I could not get past the life I could have had. I could not get past the person I could have been.

Sadly, as my façade improved, my memories did not fade and I was still left with wistful reminiscence as I thought of _**His **_beautiful crooked smile as it graced _**his**_ perfect face, Esme's warm, loving presence, Carlisle's kind, compassionate eyes, Emmett's hyperactive character, Alice's graceful glide, Jasper's quiet comforting way of _**just being there**_, my God, even Rosalie's Catty bitchiness. I missed it all. But No, I chastised myself as I broke out of my sorrowful reverie, looking up to meet Charlie's deliberating gaze as we sat eating breakfast at the kitchen table. He stared at me calculatingly, seeming to know exactly what I was thinking about. He watched me carefully these days. Every since _**he **_left, I had become like fine China to him. Always needing to be handled with care. He was the only one I felt I just couldn't fool. He was just so silently perceptive.

"Bells," he started, struggling, seeming unable to find the perfect words to say to get his point across without offending me and making me throw another violent tantrum, like the one I had thrown when Renee had come to collect me. The one I'd thrown when I was still hopeful.

"Bells," he tried again, "are you sure you're alright... you know, being left alone? You know, I'll only be away for 3 nights, only about 2 hours away, but if you want I could cancel and stay here with you" He offered, seeming unsure if he had said it correctly but more preoccupied with his inability to make a decision of what to do. It was the beginning of school vacation, just before my final term of 11th grade at Forks High School, and Charlie was going on a 3-day fishing expedition with Harry Clearwater and Billy Black. For some reason, he didn't trust me to be alone much anymore.

"Dad, I'll be fine," I told him with an empty smile. Those were the only smiles I could manage these days. Empty smiles from an empty soul. "I might go out with the girls or something, have some fun. Get some social action in before I'm swamped with exams and all that" I tried to con him, giving him the brightest smile I could manage without cringing as he looked at me critically. Finally, he seemed to make a choice,

"Fine I'll go, but if you need me for anything, even if your just feeling lonely and you don't want to be by yourself, you call me and I'll be back like a shot. No questions asked. I'll only be 2 hours away, remember that OK".

An hour later, breakfast was over, the dishes done, the table wiped down and 5 minutes before Charlie had to leave, and yet he was still debating whether or not to go.

"Dad! I'm good! I swear, if I need you, I'll call you. You baby me way too much. Now, you go and have fun with your friends, and I'll call you tonight Ok?" I said to him.

"Fine" he grudgingly agreed, pulling me into his arms for an awkward hug. We had never been the physically affectionate father-daughter type and apparently, we never would be. After an uncomfortable moment he released me and walked out the door with a parting reminder to call him if I needed him. I sighed. He worried about me way too much. Sure, his fears were justified, but he shouldn't have to stress about me. And he wondered where his hair went, I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes. I closed the door after Charlie and leaned against it, finally letting the tears I'd been denying all morning come forward and sparkle in my eyes. With a sob stuck in my chest, I asked out loud

"What now?"

A/N - This little bit just popped into my head randomly and when I started writing, I had no idea what it would be about and in which category. I plan on somehow making it a Jasper/Bella pairing because I have some sick fixation with that pairing. I dont actually have a real plan because I've only sat down and randomly written this just now and I don't want to make Edward Evil, but we'll see what Happens. I'm not even sure if I'm going to continue this so please leave me a review of what you think so far and if you think I should continue.

Thanks Heaps,

Tainted Sanity


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